thejohnsonreport.com

Ok, so I know I didn’t write this, but it was just so damn funny that I believe it should be multiplied on as many websites as digitally possible, starting with this one. This is how things REALLY went down when Tony Romo, you know, that guy with the queer smile and a star on his helmet, injured his pinkie finger during the 08-09 season.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tony_womo_out_three_to_four_weeks

-Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey

DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week’s 30-24 loss to the Arizona Cardinals and is expected to miss the next month after suffewing a sevewy bwoken wight pinkie-winkie.

Team doctors originally believed Womo’s poor, poor bwoken fingey was merewy spwained, despite the quarterback insisting that his pinkie felt really, really, really ouchie after being hit by wots and wots of big mean mans during the first play of overtime.

The Cowboys are denying rumors that Womo will require weconstwuctive pinkie surgewy, insisting that it is only a bad owie and that Womo will not be placed on injuwed weserve.

“Tony has been very, very bwave through all this and barely cried at all when he heard his widdle fingey was in fact bwoken,” coach Wade Phillips said Monday, explaining that Womo was “westing comfiwy” and watching cartoons at home and had thus far managed to keep his pinkie out of his mouth. “I’d say he’s week to week, but it’s up to the team medics to say when he’s completely all-better-now.”

The Cowboys originally sensed something was wrong when Womo threw three straight incomplete passes to begin the overtime after being sacked three times and knocked down 19 times during regulation by meanie-bullies who hate him. Their suspicions were confirmed when Womo blubbered to them on the sidelines while holding up his hurted fingey.

Womo was immediately given an orange-flavored St. Joseph aspirin and a wowwypop while a SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aid was applied to the pinkie. When this proved inadequate, Cowboys head pediatrician Daniel “Doctor Danny” Cooper inspected Womo’s pinkie while trainers distracted Womo by making a spoon into an airplane and “flying” chocolate ice cream into the quarterback’s mouth.
“This was more than just the normal boo-boo,” Cooper told reporters. “Tony has played through boo-boos before, like any team weader and big gwown-up boy has to. But when I saw the quivering chin, the big wet eyes, and the way he was hopping from foot to foot while holding up his widdle bitty widdy fingey, I knew this one was bad.”

The NFL said no fine would be given on the hit, as it seemed to be an honest accident and no flag for roughhousing the passer was thrown on

the play. It is not known whether Womo will stomp his widdle foot and

complain louder to the NFL regarding the decision.

Phillips confirmed that 40-year-old backup quarterback Brad Johnson will start as long as Womo’s pinkie is still an ouchie pinkie.

“It’s unfortunate for the poor tyke to have to go through something like this,” said Johnson, who hasn’t started an NFL game since 2006. “But you know, when they’re little quarterbacks they sometimes take big spills. This will just make Tony-wony tougher when he grows up. I hope.”

In other Cowboys news, Adam “Pacman” Jones is still grounded for the rest of his life, or at least until he learns to stop back-sassing, and receiver Terrell Owens is listed as “probable” for Sunday’s game despite suffering a chronic case of turf piggy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tony_womo_out_three_to_four_weeks

Thank you TheOnion.com for that golden nugget of hilarity. It made my off-season.

It has been over 18 long years since the Washington D.C. area has tasted the blissful fruits of a major sports championship, not including D.C. United who fucking OWNS everyone! That’s right, we whoop your ass in soccer! So…. Fuck your mother. Not since Rypien to Clark has D.C. captured what Marty Schottenheimer once called – “The Gleam.” Not since before Tyson was eating babies and biting ears has this sports-loving town felt the euphoric complexion of not having to say, “We’ll get ‘em next year.” Three young stars look to change the recent losing habits of the Washington pro sports teams. Three brash, confident, fire-in-his-eyes type players hope to lead their respective teams and the city of D.C. back into the lights of glory, and with the help of their supporting casts, bring a championship home to the loyal fans of the D.C., Maryland, and Virginia area.

After a dissapointing, yet somewhat promising 8-8 season for the Washington Redskins in 2008, Clinton Portis, the 27-year-old jokester, is nothing but business when he steps onto the football field. Known for his hard-nosed style of play, yet playful off-field manner, Portis is considered one of the toughest players in the NFL, a reputation gained by giving nothing less than 110 on each and every down. Also considered one of the most complete backs in the league, Portis’ blocking on passing plays is unmatched by any back in the game. He’ll block linebackers, safeties, defensive ends, he’ll block pretty much anything in front of him, and do a damn good job of it. All in the midst of a 25+ carry, 120+ yard game, by the way. Some would say oh he’s just doing his job, which is funny to me because I don’t see every starting back in the NFL playing with as much purpose and intensity on every play, not most plays, every play, as does Portis. I would say he frequently goes the extra mile to make an effort to do the little things to help his team win. It is this all-out style of play that has made Portis one of D.C.’s favorite celebs. That and he’s just a funny motherfucker.

Traded for by Joe Gibbs for Champ Bailey and a 2nd rounder in 2004, Portis is the epitome of what people in Washington call a “Joe Gibbs” football player. A workhorse. Smart, works hard, play’s physical, and play’s with a team attitude. Everyone knows he can run as seen by his 9200+ yards and 70+ career touchdowns by the age of 27, but it is Portis’ leadership that in the end will make the difference. After the murder of his best and closest friend Sean Taylor, Portis turned from being a young, egotistical hot-shot into a man and a leader on the football field. And he does so by leading by example, by doing the little things and the dirty work, by fighting for that extra yard to get the first down, by making a tackle in a meaningless preseason and separating his shoulder in doing so, by coming back out onto the field in the fourth quarter with a twisted ankle, banged-up hand and sprained shoulder. All of his efforts are not for individual stats and personal glory, but for one thing and one thing only – to win. That’s not just because he’s a competitor, but because he’s a genuine person and wants those around him to be successful because he truly does love his teammates, and his team. Unique would be just one way of describing the type of guy Portis is. All of those in the D.C. area just hope his efforts are not soon lost in vain. With a young, talented team surrounding him, “CP” will do everything in his given power to help the Redskins return to the glory days.

Life has not been so easy for Portis’ fellow Washintonian superstar Gilbert Arenas, who’s last two years have been wrecked by a freak knee injury and subsequent three surgeries in an 18-month span. After being recognized as one of the most explosive scorers the game of basketball has ever seen, Arenas’ superstar status has been long forgotten after having played less than 20 games in the last two and a half years. The quirky 26-year-old who’s personality is so enigmatic that it earned its own title known as “Gilbertology,” has been criticized for his laid-back jokester type attitude and lack of effort on the defensive side of the ball. But after signing a 6-year $111-million dollar contract with the Washington Wizards, Arenas has publicly said he plans to curtail his on and off the field antics, and is poised to blossom into his role as the unquestioned leader of his team. Certainly he has the phyical tools and skills not only to be a leader, but to be a dominant force in the NBA. His last healthy season of ‘06, Arenas averaged 29 points, 6 assists and 4.5 rebounds per game, had his team’s record at an Eastern conference best at the All-Star break, and was one of the top three candidates for MVP. He was virtually untouchable and was mentioned by several players as being the hardest player to guard in the NBA. His speed and quickness was too much to handle on the drive, and his literally unlimited range made him impossible to guard on the 3-point line. His ridiculous knack for hitting shots at the end of quarters no matter where from on the court became a regular sight, and his clutchness at the end of games was looking like it was on a legendary path. In his own words, his swag was simply “phenomenal.” Whether he has the discipline to develop into a true, vocalised leader, remains to be seen.

Many are wondering whether Arenas will be the same dominating force after sustaining such a major injury, but there is one thing that separates Arenas from most athletes, and that is his will to work. The proverbial gym-rat, you could question whether any player in the league aside from perhaps Kobe Bryant, works as hard or puts in as much work as does Arenas. Arenas works so hard that it even became a problem, as he desperately tried to recover from his knee injury for the start of the season, that he overworked his knee and required more season-ending surgery. But now back from his two and a half year hiatus, healthy and determined, the man who wears the number zero on his jersey to remind himself of all those ever who doubted him, must once again prove that he belongs in the ranks of the most dynamic and driven players in the NBA. I believe people will start to see a different Gilbert Arenas for the remainder of his career, an Arenas that tries to involve his teammates more and isn’t just looking for his own shot, and hopefully an Arenas that begins to give the effort it takes to defend on the NBA level. An Arenas that not only leads by example, but by vocalising his leadership to his teammates, always teaching them and always keeping them ready. He must, or else Washington’s last hope since His Airness wore a Wizard’s uniform will be just another failure on the road of many.

Superstardom, or I guess you could call it super-mega-ultra-stardom, or as big a star a hockey player can get these days, has been a lot smoother for Washington’s auspicious messiah, Alexander Ovechkin. Perhaps being the best player in the world has something to do with it. The 23-year-old Russian phenom affectionately known as “Ovie” to his fans, has been dazzling audiences across the globe with every through-the-legs, crossover, falling-down, sense-defying goal since being draft first overall in 2004. His unbridled passion for the game, which pours out every time he or one of his teammates scores a goal, is hated by some, but loved by many. It is rare to see a player celebrate as much for a teammate’s goal as his own, Ovechkin is that rare player. Many question his flare for post-goal celebrations and his love of the limelight, but many also see it as a player just having good old fashioned fun, something not often seen in the “You can’t cheer too much after scoring a goal or its disrespectful to the game” oldschool world of the NHL. It is this exuberant passion that adores Ovechkin to so many fans. The critics may question his playing style or his celebration antics, but one thing they can not question is his unmatched love and passion for the sport of hockey.

Not everything has been hunky-dory though, for the one they call “The Great 8.” Two consecutive post-season exits, one in game 7 overtime to the Flyers, and one in 7 games to the Penguins, has the mega-star and his Washington Capitals in some hot water. The Ovechkin vs. Crosby war is in full throttle, and I’m talking like Charlie’s Angels 3 type full throttle(that bad). It is sure to wage on for another 15 years at the least, and then another 40 years after that. Of course, we know hockey is a team game and it takes all your pieces contributing together to win, but the bragging rights will always go to the man who’s team claimed victory last. So for now, all the “Cum On Me” Crosby lovers can bathe in a bathtub full of his jizz(because we all know that’s what fags love to do) until the Russian Machine decides it’s time to turn on Skynet and launch the nukes. All he needs is a couple of nuclear-submarines(a good defensemen or two to anchor a mediocre Caps D) and it’s all systems go. His Iron-Curtain is already being developed in Simeon Czarlamov, and he’s got his young-gun lieutenants in Semin, Backstrom, and Green. It is less of a question of if, but more of when, when will Alexander Ovechkin hoist the silver cup above his head? Will it be next year? The year after? Ten years from now? Seldomly does a player who’s promise is as great as promise can be end his career without winning a championship. Greatness is like beauty, you can’t describe it, but you know it when you see it, and it is as visible as ever in Alex Ovechkin.

Three teams, three superstars, one city, one giant hunger. Which will be the one to launch himself into D.C. sports lore? Or will it be all three? All I know, is after 18 long years of dissapointing seasons, bad general management, and a whole lot of bad luck, if just one them gets the job done, it will be an extraordinary, Obama-inauguration type scene on the streets of Ol’ Dixie. One thing is for sure, though…

…The pressure is on.

__________________________________________________________________

P.S. The Nationals were not included because nobody gives a shit about baseball in D.C.

But, I’m sure if they start winning, we will.

Today on ESPN:
Kevin Garnett to possibly miss the 2009 NBA Playoffs

Danny Ainge suffers a heart attack

In 2007, God decided that 22 years was a long enough wait before winning another NBA Title and thus began putting in place a series of events which would culminate in the trades for Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett, the drafting of Glen “Big Baby” Davis and Leon Powe free agent parasites like Sam Cassell and P.J. Brown.

Now it appears that God has looked down upon the state of Massachusetts, glimpsed the horror that his actions (in conjunction with the Devil’s corresponding deals with the Red Sox and Patriots) have wrought, and changed his mind. First he strikes Kevin Garnett with an unexplained, “non-injured” injury, which not even Doc Rivers believes will be healed before the playoffs end, now Danny Ainge is recovering from a heart attack that he suffered in the early hours on this morning.

If my four years of journalism school has taught me anything, it’s that you need three things in order to mark a trend. Does anyone know where Paul Pierce is right now? Ray Allen? I’m just waiting to refresh ESPN.COM and find out that their families are reporting them missing after going out on a boating trip yesterday.

As a card carrying member of the Web 2.0 generation, I am pretty much declaring that anyone who uses Twitter please get off my lawn and stop throwing your damn baseballs near my windows. I’m all for emerging mediums of communication outside of the hands of our corporate overlords, but when your sole overriding contribution to society is to further compress and simplify conversations into 140 character responses, you’ve pretty much declared yourself part of the problem, not the solution.

Even so, watching the mainstream media desperately jump on this new fad has had all the appeal of watching your father awkwardly using slang words around your friends. He clearly has no idea what the words are supposed to mean or infer but is desperate to find some common link or bond to his children and their crazy, crazy new world.

So in an effort to display how nouvo and “with it” they are, journalists, anchors, cable television shows and politicians have all bravely stood up, walked to the cutting edge of technology, and promptly asked their 7-year-old sons and daughters how to work “this damn Tweetler thing”.

I just watched Rick Sanchez for close to two hours refer to Twitter, how you could Twitter at home, how to leave comments on his Twitter page, showing viewers what other viewers were writing on his Twitter page. There’s no clear role or reason to the whole exercise. the comments CNN chooses to display provide zero insight to the current discussion or debate, and it’s unclear why certain comments are highlighted in the first place.

One of the genuine benefits of programs like Twitter is the proximity to which they place average everyday people to politicians celebrities and other public figures. The comments section allow these people to communicate with their fans and followers without a filter, for good or ill. But the Twitter comments CNN leaves are often drawn from the lower end of the intellectual barrel and often mirror the arguments and sentiments that are already prominent in the national debate. So it adds nothing to the conversation or show, but networks like CNN would like you to know that there’s all kinds of Twittering going on during their show and if you like Twittering too you should watch.

And naturally, because cable news can’t help itself, the comments are inevitably used to congratulate anchors on what good jobs their doing and complimenting the quality of their websites. I just saw Sanchez display a comment that said “Great job with the website, I found it easy to use and informative!” Are we checking whether or not CNN.com employees are posting on Rich Sanchez’s page?

I’m not sure which part of this spectacle I find funnier: The MSM’s aging hipster routine in an effort to make up for the fact that they fell asleep when the blogosphere was on the rise or watching anchors bite their tongues and quip “That’s a very interesting question” after Dave Shobo from Texas writes “i dont understand how can the deomcrats think that stimulating the economy can be done with spending. Crazy!”

Ah, yes. T.O. has signed with yet another team ladies and gentleman. Who are the unlucky takers this time, you ask? Why, it is none other than the Buffalo Bills…! Wait… The Buffalo Bills? Really? I thought that organization had more class than that… And so it is, that the destructive-cancer-like-virus known as Terrell Owens, has attached himself to another poor unsuspecting NFL franchise, whom know not what they do, and has already begun digging his claws into the fragile skin like a hungry parasite, unwavering and unyielding in the face of a classy organization like the Buffalo Bills. Determined is the beast, to gain sole title of worst and most unwanted teammate in the history of history. If it were a contest, Sarah Palin would be on her knees face-down-ass-up while T.O. stands over her shuffling his legs saying, “Can’t touch dis, dun na na na…. NAAAA na!!” It is a force unseen by man in the modern era; even Hitler could only take over half of Europe before realizing what an a-hole he was, forcing himself in to painting a pretty red German picture on the walls of his bunker. But no, not this one. T.O. can’t even stop himself, he tried, and failed miserably. Apparently being a total self-loving narcissistic prick comes with not being able to count. It’s 8, T.O., 8 is how many you need to kill yourself!

Immediately after joining the Bills, in his first press conference T.O. starts off by saying “I want to thank God… God is good. I know I wouldn’t be here,” he says like it was a fate destined to happen, “if it wasn’t for him…” No, T.O., you wouldn’t be here if wasn’t for you, my friend. If it wasn’t for you, you’d probably still be in San Fransisco, or more likely Philadelphia with a couple of rings, being talked about as one of the greatest wide receivers of all-time and Hall of Fame lock. Now you’re on your way to your fourth NFL franchise. If you notice something about all-time great players in sports, they usually play their whole or more than half their careers with one team. Obviously, when a team has a great player, they want him to stick around and are willing to pay salaries that make the Mexican drug cartels look like hobos. What does it tell you when, despite putting up some of the best numbers at his position in the history of the game, a player has continually been moved from team, to team, to team, to team…? Now I’m no Isaac Newton, but to me that kinda says something along the lines of… “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS PLAYER, HE WILL FUCK ALL YOUR SHIT UP TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO STAB YOURSELF IN THE TAINT(the spot between your genitals and your asshole, for my less-informed readers) FOR EVEN THINKING THAT HIS ON-FIELD PRODUCTION WOULD OUTWAY HIS MERCILESS PATH OF COMPLETE, EMBARRASSING AND DESTRUCTIVE FAILURE..” The Bills, apparently, see things a wee-bit brighter than I…

If you’re a Bills fan, only by the grace of baby Jesus do you still have a sliver of hope of not having your franchise completely and utterly annihilated from the inside-out. Your front office was competent enough, incredibly, to only sign the Reaper of Souls to a one-year, 6.5 million dollar contract. Apparently Bills owner Ralph Wilson isn’t too old to hear what the word on the street is, which is that T.O. plays his best ball the first year of his contract, as well as performing on his “best behavior” for at least the first 8 weeks of the season. That means no complaining about not getting the ball, no ridiculing your quarterback, no accusing members of your team of having secret meetings of which the sole purpose is to create plays and schemes to keep him from getting the rock. Just excellent, heart-filled, competitive football, for at least 8 weeks. That gives you half a season to either have already won a good amount of games to keep the insatiable monstrosity contained, or have your shit together in order to start winning some games, before it’s too late. If he’s started complaining about not getting the ball, it’s already far too late. That’s the first sign of when he’s gotten comfortable. Once he gets comfortable, it’s all over.

It’s quite sad, really. I really thought Trent Edwards had a chance to develope into a better-than-average quarterback. Unfortunately for him, his owner just mortgaged his future. I can’t say I will enjoy seeing Edwards slouching on the bench with his hands on top of his head crying like Rihanna after Chris Brown expressed his love, with T.O. standing six feet away screaming at him, asking, “Dood, why’d you hand the ball to the running back, don’t you know I’m UNNNNNNNN-STOPPABLE?!?! GtYaPpCrnRdy!!,”  occasionally turning to yell at anyone who crosses his path. By this time, Dick Jauron is in the bathroom contemplating wether or not to commit hari-kari in order to quiet his shame of unwillingly accepting the job of “tamer.” Hold on, Dick, hold on… it’s only a year. Yes, you might have trouble sleeping at night or you can’t get it up to please your wife because of the stress levels… But brighter days are ahead… No, not immediately ahead… Probably like 6 years down the road when the aftermath is done… But they are indeed ahead…

So, for the sake of one of the more unfortunate franchises in the league, after already having lost four straight Super Bowls in 90’s, and not just losing four straight Super Bowls, but virtually getting tossed around the NFC East like a cheap prostitute in room full of CEO’s, including a double money-shot of Cowboy cream to the dome, I pray for your sake you do not let the belligerent Nebula claim another precious galaxy. You can still change your mind now, Ralph Wilson. Do it for Trent. Do it for Kevin Everett. And by God, do it for the loyal fans of Buffalo!

Agent Owens, your mission is complete. After two years you have successfully eaten the Dallas Cowboys from the inside out. You helped to transform a team that won 12 of its first 13 games in 2007 to a team that absolutely shit the bed in the season finale to miss the 2008 playoffs.

There’s something to be said when someone goes into situation where everyone expects him to sabotage himself….and then he does precisely that. And more. I don’t think, if you had let Redskins fans write the script for Owens career in Dallas, that even we could have thought of ideas as great as a failed overdose/suicide attempt and an accusation that your pro-bowl quarterback and tight end were sneaking off to design plays together without you. I mean, it would just be too unbelievable.

Wait. Wait no! I’ve had….so little time. So little time to celebrate. Don’t! Don’t do it!

I’ll do anything! I’ll suck your dick, Redskins front office! Please!

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2009:

Feb. 10, Mike Brown, coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, on a late foul that ending up providing the margin of victory for the Pacers:

“That last call, on the run, is the worst call that I have ever been a part of,” Brown said. “I cannot imagine another worse call than that. It was an awful call and for [the official] to take away a basketball game from a team with .4 seconds on the clock is irresponsible.”

“I don’t care if I get fined. It is what it is. I saw the two plays; just a bad call determined the outcome of that game,” Brown said. “If they want to fine me for telling the truth, fine me. This isn’t me. I never do this.”

One can only assume that “this” refers to his complaining about poor officiating or disagreeing publicly with a ref’s call. If that’s the case, I would like to present the following presentation as evidence into the public record:

Mike Brown and LeBron James: A Lesson In Humility

Jan. 4, the “Crab Dribble” game, when a late traveling call on James ended the Cavs hopes of tying the game:

“Bad call,” said James, who compiled 30 points, 10 assists and six rebounds. “We all make mistakes, and I think I got the wrong end of the bargain. I watched it 10 times after the game, and it was clearly a good play.”

Oh, and there was the ejection of Cavaliers coach Mike Brown, who ran nearly the length of the court to protest an offensive foul call against James with about 6 1/2 minutes left.”

Jan. 29, during an 88-99 loss to the Magic:

“James was 10-of-27 from the field, spending much of the night complaining to the officials. He finished with 23 points, eight rebounds and eight assists. But he took only six free throws — and missed three of them.

“I’m just trying to be quiet and not say anything to the refs,” James said. “But it can get frustrating at times when you continue to just get beat up and you don’t get the attention of the refs. I just try to be quiet and hopefully they’ll call it the next time.

Cleveland coach Mike Brown and guard Mo Williams picked up technical fouls in the third quarter while complaining to the officials about a lack of calls. Brown even had to be restrained by an assistant while screaming at one of the referees.”The NBA is going to make calls how they see it,” Brown said. “This was a physical game, and for a guy like that to go to the free throw line six times when he drove as much as he did, it’s sad to see.”

April 3rd, 2008, after a 101-98 loss to the Bulls:

“Still, the Cavaliers had a chance to take the lead in the closing seconds. But James, the NBA’s leading scorer, drove the left side and was short on a double-pumping layup with 5.9 seconds to go. James as well as coach Mike Brown felt he was fouled by rookie Joakim Noah, who stepped in front to contest the shot.”

Feb. 26, 2008 after a 102-105 loss to the Bucks:

“The Cavaliers were troubled by the fact that they gave up 25 fast-break points to a team that isn’t normally very good in the open court. And Cleveland didn’t seem to appreciate being on the losing end of a 37-14 free-throw disparity, either.

“It’s really, really mind-boggling to me,” Cavaliers coach Mike Brown said. “That’s the only thing I question in the game. Otherwise, I give them credit.”

James only went to the line five times.”I think there were some questionable calls,” said James.

Nov. 14, 2007, after a late-game jump ball leads to a 117-116 loss to the Magic:

“LeBron James heard the whistle and figured he was headed to the free throw line. He got there. Just not to shoot.

Driving down the lane in the final seconds of overtime, James was tied up by Orlando’s Hedo Turkoglu for a game-ending jump ball as the Magic, paced by Dwight Howard’s 35 points and 16 rebounds, remained unbeaten on the road with a 117-116 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers on Wednesday night.

“I went into the lane and I got grabbed,” James said. “He had some of the ball, but he had part of my arm as well. Once I feel a little bit contact, I am trying to go up and get the shot off and hopefully they will call a foul. It didn’t go our way.”

May 21, 2007, after a 76-79 loss to the Pistons in the conference finals

James, who passed up a shot in the final seconds of the series opener, dribbled into the lane and missed a spinning shot in the lane with Richard Hamilton draped on him.

“I believe there was some contact, but there’s been a lot of contact throughout this series,” James said. “We’re a no-excuse team and we can’t look at the last play as why we lost. We just have to get better.”

Feb. 14, 2007, after a no-call on Sasha Pavlovic’s last second shot results in a 99-98 loss to the Jazz

Giricek collided with Sasha Pavlovic before Pavlovic got off a 37-foot shot that missed at the buzzer. The Cavaliers thought he was fouled and stood in disbelief after the buzzer when none of the officials blew a whistles.

“He dribbled the basketball and Giricek tried to take a charge and he slid to the side and he fouled him with time on the clock,” Cleveland coach Mike Brown said. “Maybe that’s too tough a position for the refs to be in to make that type of call. Watching the replay, it was a foul and it’s unfortunate for us.”

Pavlovic, James and Anderson Varajao lamented after there was no foul called and the Jazz celebrated the victory.”Sasha’s going full speed and a guy bumps him,” James said. “I mean, no matter what type of game it is, I think that it’s a foul.”

Bear in mind, these are just the examples of Brown and James complaining that I’ve been able to find in the last 15 minutes. There are, doubtless, at least a dozen more instances over the past few years of the pair actually putting forth the argument that James is called unfairly by officials. All the time.

Outside the Cleveland bubble, James’ insistence that any attempt to stop him from scoring constitutes a foul has been well documented. The fact that James already gets the vast majority of the NBA’s ridiculous “superstar calls” as well as their non-calls (freeing him up to crab dribble up and down the court for numerous layups) doesn’t seem to matter to him or his coach.

Still, Brown isn’t stupid. He knows EXACTLY which way his bread is buttered. His job is to keep LeBron feeling happy and respected, and if that involves occasional frequent exaggerated reactions to perfectly legitimate calls against his franchise player at the total expense of his public credibility, well then, so be it. Don’t expect him to change his ways. Not when he gets reactions like this from his co-dependent superstar:

Thursday, Feb. 11, on Brown’s outburst following the Pacers loss:

“It’s means a lot,” Cavs forward LeBron James said. “He protects us. He’s the head of this team. He protected us last night and it means a lot.”

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=aw-stoudemiresuns020509&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

“Sources believe the Suns are more apt to shop Stoudemire to the Eastern Conference, where Toronto and New York are natural possibilities. Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo drafted Stoudemire for the Suns, and Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni helped turn him into an All-Star. Still, the acrimonious nature of Colangelo’s and D’Antoni’s departures could lessen Phoenix management’s willingness to deal with them.
If Kerr and assistant GM David Griffin do trade Stoudemire, a four-time All-Star, they want a combination of expiring contracts, a talented young player – preferably a forward – and draft picks. Stoudemire is expected to opt out of his contract for the historic free-agent summer of 2010. He makes $15 million this season and $16.3 million next season. His relationship with Suns management has steadily deteriorated and few expect that either side is interested in a contract extension.”

Long shot or not, shouldn’t the Wizards at least make a run at Stoudemire? Put forth some kind of proposal to the Suns and see if they can make something work? We have expiring contracts (Thomas, Mike James, Haywood) along with some good young prospects (McGee, Blatche, Young). Would the Wiz be able to offer the most attractive package? That remains to be seen.

Of course the Suns will insist on something precious. At this point, our three most important pieces are Arenas, Butler and our upcoming lottery/potential #1 overall draft pick. If the Wizards were looking to deal for Stoudemire, the goal would be to keep Butler. Judging from what the Suns are reported to be looking for, he would be one of the first player they’d look to get in return. The point of getting Stoudemire would be to have a three-headed scoring monster at the 1, 3 and 5 (or 4, depending on whether Jamison or Haywood are involved in a potential deal). Some may point out that the Wizards already have a three-headed scoring monster, but from an on court perspective, Arenas/Butler/Stoudemire is more formidable than Arenas/Butler/Jamison. That means you’re probably looking at giving up the top-4 pick.

Moving Jamison makes sense in a lot of ways, but I can’t envision a scenario in which the Suns would be remotely interested in him. He shoots too many threes, can’t defend the low post and is 32 years old. Then again, this is the NBA, where you can apparently make a franchise-altering decision like trading for Jermaine O’Neal and his $21 million salary, then press the reset button three months into the season and put him back out on the block again.

The obvious pratfalls in such a deal would be Stoudemire’s ego, defense and his ability to co-exist with Arenas. Neither side is going to accept not being the #1 option at this point in their careers. It’s never a good idea when your two best players are also your craziest. My questions are: What do you think it would take to pry Stoudemire away from Phoenix and do you think it would be worth it?

I think if you can keep Butler, Ernie Grunfeld’s ass should be making an indent in his office chair as he’s burning up the phone lines exploring trade packages with Phoenix. Stoudemire makes $15 million this season, so let’s take a look at some realistic potential packages the Wizards could offer:

Package 1

Nick Young            $1.6 million

Andray Blatche   $2.7 million

Mike James           $6.8  million

Etan Thomas        $6 million

First round pick

FOR

Amare Stoudemire  $15 million

Goran Dragic              $1.7 million

Louis Amundson      $750,000

Analysis: Phoenix gets two young promising players, including Blatche, who has been slowly developing into something of a poor man’s Stoudemire the past four years, more than $12 million in cap space before the 2010 season and a surefire lottery pick next season.

So what’ s the problem? The Suns don’t even get a star in return for Stoudemire, a superstar. Unless the Wiz win the Blake Griffin sweepstakes, Steve Kerr is going to get his ass kicked every time he shows his face in Phoenix when he tries to explain how he traded their monster low-post scorer for a package built around Nick Young or Ricky Rubio. Plus,  the Suns seem oddly stricken with Dragic, who I really just threw in there for roster/salary purposes. If I’m Phoenix I say thank you and keep looking for better offers.

Package #2

Andray Blatche          $2.7 million

Brendan Haywood   $5.5 million

Javale McGee            $1.3 million

Mike James               $6 million

FOR

Amare Stoudemire    $15 million

Louis Amundson   $750,000

Analysis: Once again, if Kerr made this trade, every time the Suns front office entered a restaurant or grocery store in Arizona it would be like a scene from Escape From New York or The Warriors. It’s too blatant of a salary dump. On top of that, this trade would ransack the Wizards’ front court of it’s best defender and two most promising young big men. It would also leave Stoudemire and Jamison defending the post. God, that thought sends a fucking chill up my spine. The money works, but the logic doesn’t.

Package #3

Caron Butler                   $9 million

Etan Thomas                 $ 6.8 million

Wizards First Round Pick

FOR

Amare Stoudemire     $15 million

Suns First Round pick

Analysis: As good as Butler is, the Suns will want more than just an Amare/Caron swap. Because Butler’s inclusion in the deal makes Washington less than eager to part with their young talent and because Phoenix will likely find the pieces Washington has left  to offer for salary matching purposes  (Haywood, Thomas, James) less than appealing, they will likely ask for Washington’s lottery pick in exchange for taking on one of those three contracts as salary cap dumps next year.  If that’s the case, Grunfeld should insist it be a swap of first rounders. In a weak draft, the Suns draft pick will likely be in the late teens to early twenties. Shit, basically. Or long term projects or guys with talent or production but huge question marks. But if the Wizards are going to give up the only active player other than LeBron James to average 20 points, 6 rebounds and 4 assists AND their likely top 5 draft pick, they have to get something in return. Even if it is a handful of shit and promises.

Meanwhile, Washington has Haywood to defend the low post, Stoudemire to score from it and Jamison manning the 3 position or coming off the bench. Depending on what happens at the shooting guard spot, where Nick Young is showing sparks of explosive scoring and DeShawn Stevenson’s potentially chronic back problem has him playing like dog shit, the Wiz could have one of the softer line ups in the league with Arenas, Young, Jamison, Stoudemire and Haywood. With Crittendon, Stevenson, McGee, Blatche, McGuire and James coming off the bench.

A fun team to watch, but ultimately an incomplete one. This would have to be the first step in a series of changes to the makeup of the roster, because this move alone doesn’t make the Wizards serious contenders, not with defensive teams like Boston, Cleveland, Orlando and Detroit deal with in the playoffs. The real point is, other than a three month stretch during 2006-2007, this Wizards team as currently compromised have never proven they were capable of seriously contending for a title, and are rarely healthy enough to prove otherwise.

The Wizards one missing link during the Eddie Jordan era was a true low-post scoring threat in the mold of Stoudemire. Someone in the middle to run the Princeton offense through and draw the double teams necessary to create open shots for the team’s jump shooters. Inexcusably bad defense has also been a hallmark of the slightly above average Washington teams from 2005-2008. Stoudemire doesn’t solve that problem, particularly if Grunfeld has to give up Butler to get him. But with the right pieces around him, Stoudemire can be every bit as effective for a team as Pau Gasol is for the Lakers.

At some point, Grunfeld is going to have to shit or get off the pot with this team. After standing pat in free agency and relying on the development of mid-first round draft picks to fill out his championship roster, it’s time to admit that all the ingredients in the drink aren’t stirring well. He’s committed to Arenas, Jamison and presumably Butler for the long term. But that core has never proven itself in the playoffs except against a young Bulls team. If the Wizards can get Stoudemire and keep Butler, that along with Arenas forms a team from which a contender could potentially be built.

At this point, I’m having a hard time seeing what precisely the Wizards have to lose in at least looking at the possibility of going after Amare.

“There is no defense ever invented that stops a perfect throw, and that was perfect throw.”      – Trent Dilfer

Other than providing the role for most boring passer to ever win a Super Bowl, TD provided a nice quote in the post-game coverage of perhaps the greatest Super Bowl every played, a point that is being argued in the aftermath of the Steelers dramatic 27-24 victory over the Cardinals. The quote does in fact perfectly describe the touchdown throw made by Ben Roethlisberger to Santonio “Beat my girls” Holmes. Big Ben, with some help from his offensive line, overcame what seemed to be excellent coverage by Arizona’s secondary by throwing a perfect pass into the back corner of the endzone with 35 seconds remaining in regulation – the second consecutive Super Bowl that ended with a game-winning touchdown pass with said time remaining. The Cardinals’ defense had no chance. The throw was just too.. perfect. As perfect as the pass was, the catch was no slouch either. In fact, the Godfather of the NFL Steve Sabol has already dubbed it “the greatest game-winning touchdown catch in the history of NFL. It had everything you could ask for – difficulty, atheticism, and significance.” Holmes, who let a pass slip through his hands that could have etched his name into the history books forever, did not waver when that once in a life time opportunity arose again on the very next play from scrimmage. Holmes extended – then held on, and held on tight, not just to a pigskin, but to history. The perfect pass, and the perfect, textbook toe-tap catch sealed the game, and the championship for the mighty 6-time world champion Steelers.

With his play, Roethlisberger entered himself into today’s class of elite quarterbacks by engineering a Tom-Brady-but-without-the-cheating-like drive to win Super Bowl XLIII in chaotic fashion. Ben played a marvelous game from start to finish, dodging god knows how many tackles, scrambling out of the pocket like a mad-man, and throwing passes that made the ball look like it had laser-guiding technology built into it. All in the clutchest of situations. So now you have to ask yourself.. Is it now Brady, Manning, and B-Roeth in the top 3 of the QB category? I believe so. Big Ben has all the tools a quarterback needs to end his career as one of the greats to have played the game, as long as he stops driving motorcycles into the front-ends of innocent old ladies’ cars, the bastard.

This group of Steelers is the epitome of the age-old “defense wins championships” adage. Though their defense may not have played a flawless game in Super Bowl 43, it was their D that carried the team all year long; and its captain James Harrison provided arguably the most influential play of the game, returning an interception 100-yards for a touchdown as the first-half clock expired. In this case, however, it was the Cardinals’ defense that prevented Arizona from popping its championship cherry. Their inability to contain Santonio Holmes, Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh passing game led to their ultimate demise, and once again, left the Cardinals with balls as blue as Santonio’s girl’s face. The Steelers on the other hand were able to stifle the Cards’ best offensive weapon in Larry Fitzgerald throughout the first half(one catch, 12 yards), which allowed Pittsburgh to play with a lead for the first 58 minutes of the game.

The Cardinals fought valiantly, erasing a 13-point deficit and actually taking the lead against the vaunted Pittsburgh defense. To give an idea of how nearly impossible(not quite impossible, because it’s been done once…. In the last 20 years….) it is to come back against the Steelers under an 11-point or more deficit, I give you their record since 1988: 142-1-1. That’s right. 142-1-1. Let me say that again. 142-1-1….. Is that even possible? Have they even won 142 games since 1988? That is a mind-fucking, asshole-tearing stat right there. Arizona deserves a lot of praise for the way they played, and they were 2 minutes and 37 seconds away from defying history.

By exploding like Hiroshima in the second half, Larry Fitzgerald showed why the contingency of anyone who has a functioning brain believes he is the most dangerous receiver in the game today, continues to grow like the anger virus in “28 Days Later.” Anquan Bizoldin showed why he deserves that new contract he’s been bitching about, not just during the game but throughout the season. After breaking his jaw and having facial reconstructive surgery just 4 weeks into the season, Boldin had an extraordinary year, hauling in 11 TD’s and 1000+ yards despite missing 2 and a half games. Darnell Dockett made his name known by tying a Super Bowl record with 3 sacks of quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, and applying consistent pressure pretty much all game long. Their young star cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie played very well, despite being “just a rook.” So the upside for Arizona is looking pretty good right now if you’re a Cards fan. Sure, you just had your heart, stomach, and spine ripped out just 2 minutes and 2 seconds after feeling like you just came 50 times consecutively, but hey… Always look on the bright side, right..? (If I was a Cards fan, I’d be saying fuck me, too.)

There was a larger than average number of penalties called, but for the most part it was a very cleanly called game, except for the blatant non-call on the Santonio Holmes game-winning TD celebration. What the hell was that anyway, Santonio? The “pour salt into my hands and then throw it in the air?” Were you trying to do the KG thing with the talcom powder..?? I didn’t really get it. In any case, it should have, under the incredibly lame No Fun League rules, drawn a flag which would have resulted in a 15-yard penalty on the ensuing kickoff. Would the Cardinals have scored had they gotten an extra 15 yards on the kickoff? Probably not, but who knows. The flag still should have been thrown if the NFL’s officials want to be viewed as “consistent.”

Other than that, the refs did a good job. Arizona was on the receiving end of the most of the calls, but they were also the ones committing the most penalties. Great teams, and great players force you commit penalties, a perfect example being the 3 holding penalties forced by Defensive Player of The Year James Harrison on Cardinals left tackle Mike Gandy. Had Gandy not held Harrison, Kurt Warner’s body would be a steaming pile of dog shit in between the spikes of Harrison’s cleats. Big ups to you, Mike.

After winning the NFL’s Walter Payton Award, Warner showed how classy of a guy he is in his first post-game interview, giving all the credit to Big Ben and the Steelers, and praising his teammates for making it as far as they did when not many believed they could do it. It is likely that Warner will retire during the off-season. The difference between one lost game and one game won could mean the difference between being an inductee into the most prominent circle of professional football players, or just being another “good” quarterback. First-ballot is out of the question now. But will Warner be inducted in to the Hall of Fame at all? Some say his numbers aren’t quite good enough, but I say, the guy led 3 teams to the Super Bowl, won one of them, and lost the other two in the final seconds, one of which to a team that it is now known to have been cheating at the time. He deserves, if anything, some serious, serious consideration.

So with that I congratulate the Pittsburgh Steelers, I never really liked you or your arrogant fans, but I salute you for winning this championship, giving your franchise more Super Bowls than the Cowboys, unquestionably making you the better franchise, and I hereby am naming YOU America’s team. Quick, somebody hand T.O. another bottle of oxycodine.

_____________________________________________________

No professional football players were hurt in the making of this post, except for maybe T.O.’s feelings…

*Pop*Pop*Pop*…

On Sunday, Dec. 28th, the 2008 Detroit Lions capped off an unimaginable horror: the perfect losing season. Made all the more ironic following in the wake of the Patriots perfect 2007 season, there is literally no precedent or any kind of coping framework in place for fans in this scenario. Sure, there’s the 72 Bucs, but they could always rightfully make the argument that, given another two games, they might have pulled one out. That and a Super Bowl title helps Tampa Bay fans sleep at night. All Detroit has done is give the nine 1-15 teams in NFL history someone to point at when giving examples of teams that sucked more than them.

Historically, the Lions franchise has occupied the role of taint on the anatomy of the NFL. In a league populated by wasteland organizations like Cincinnati, Cleveland and Arizona (who, if we’re continuing with the anatomical theme, would probably collectively represent the league’s chocolate starfish), that’s saying something.

Like everything the Ford family touches, rampant incompetence and stubborn nepotism infect everything the team does. Sure, we could bash Matt Millen. The man’s draft choices read like a “Who’s who?” list of high round draft busts. He famously took four top ten receivers (one of them, Calvin Johnson, has panned out). After almost a decade under his control, Millen will leave the Lions with very little in the way of  current or future prospects at quarterback, runningback, offensive line, tight end, defensive line, cornerback-basically the entire team other than kicker, where Jason Hanson has been as marvelous as he is invisible to the rest of the world.

But to blame Millen is to assume he ever knew what he was doing in the first place. Then you’re just making the same mistake that William Ford made. I don’t pretend to know Matt Millen personally, but aside from the whole “no qualifications” thing, it was probably apparent to anyone inside the organization that something was wrong when Joey Harrington flopped and the team began to seriously discuss the prospect of taking a fourth top-10 wide receiver in the draft (to replace Mike Williams, who was supposed to replace Charles Rogers).

No. It was the Fords who let this grotesque masquerade play out to it’s logical extreme. Now it is Detroit fans who must live with the consequences. Poor Detroit fans. Like a battered wife who keeps coming back to her abusive, alcoholic husband, the Lions fan base has struggled through all those losing seasons, draft busts and tailgating through shitty weather for what, exactly? The worst season in NFL history. Their franchise has become the butt of endless jokes. In fact, it is estimated that incidents of  human fatalities as a result of lion attacks have increased 23%, as people have begun brazenly walking up to the animals to do things like laugh, point, pull their tails, urinate on their cubs and shout “hey loserfags!”

Yes, it is truly terrible to be a Lions fan. So why shouldn’t you feel bad for them? Because it’s freaking awesome to be a Detroit fan. In the past 20 years the Pistons have won three NBA Championships, and for the last six years running they’ve been an Eastern Conference Finals fixture. Sure the Tigers

have been through their share of hard times, but they’re still fresh off a 2006 World Series berth, and they have Ty Cobb and 1984. So fuck them. Don’t even get me started on the Red Wings. They haven’t won less than 48 games since the 98-99 season. It’s actually mandated within the NHL charter that the Wings win a Stanley Cup once every five years, on the dot. Did I mention the giant, national college football programs at Michigan and Michigan

I guess my point is: we realize these are largely the same fans, right? Yes it sucks to have one franchise out of four that hasn’t been a title contender in the last five years, but I’m sure Detroit fans will be able to soldier on somehow. Try living in the D.C. area. We’re sixteen very, very long years away from our last title in 92. Maybe one day I will able to take solace in the four MLS Cups but….that day is not today. The universe has to balance this shit out before another Black Masshole of sports dickery is created. Never lose sight of that. Don’t wish further havoc on unsuspecting towns and cities in the states that border Michigan. Detroit fans perrennially eat the sports equivalent of filet mignon, a Lions turd sandwich once every four meals won’t do them any harm.